she will be loved
by thexlittlexlisa
Summary: It was the way he got stuff, stuff like the fact that she was not entirely ready to label them, but could still make her feel oversized butterflies fluttering in her stomach when he came near her or looked at her from across music class and kept her gaze there with his.


**she will be loved**  
reality bites me

_"if seeing is believing,  
then i see clearer than once did,  
for all this life was given,  
was all i needed then to live."_

It was raining.

Amu Hinamori was lying awake, again, for the seventh night in a row. She kept waking up, seeing the same heart-wrenching things over and over again. Only instead of being awe-stricken, it was constantly _annoyance_ she felt. Annoyance, annoyance, annoyance.

To get her mind off of it, she listened to the pitter-patter of the droplets that hit her window as she sat on her bed, knees to her chest. Her room was clean, tidy, cold.

All the denial in the world couldn't help her when she felt that way, when she missed _him_.

And she missed him even though he botched every relationship – _god_, it didn't even matter, all that mattered was her knowing. Knowing that like this, she would keep him near – that's how messed up she was.

In one way, she pitied him, because he _always _came back to her, because she would _never_ let him go.

Paranoid? Maybe. She liked to think of it more as being _safe_.

* * *

So this was what they meant when they said "bedroom eyes."

She has never understood that phrase before; after all, in the bedroom, was she really looking at his eyes?

But she was. They were all she could really focus on without spinning sideways and losing herself. It was dark, but they glittered in the light. She had liked thinking it was the moonlight filtering through his curtains, but it was just the dim, dull lamplight from campus, pooling lemon on his scarred hardwood floor.

It was dark and his eyes were dark. Dark and his pupils were dilated from lust and lack of light and she wondered what his eyes looked like, nervous and giddy all at once.

She tried to let her eyes do all the work because her hands were shaking and she didn't think she could touch him yet.

His fingers were skimming over her, down her shoulders and chest and tummy, brushing her hip, before dancing back up again and his eyes, they were always on hers.

They were always on hers and she knew that when he looked away, she wondered how she got here and what was happening and what it was like in the morning when the yellow light was harsh.  
_  
"Just know that I'll go wherever you lead me, Amu."  
_  
In the pit of her stomach, she knew she couldn't run away with him, not physically. Mentally, though; that sounded appealing.

So she grabbed the back of his head and kissed him, trying to channel all of her desire into this one kiss, while still being able to find his hand, needling her fingers through his, like water through sand.

This was them. This was them when no one else noticed.

* * *

Amu hated parties. Truly despised them with all her heart – don't misunderstand, she only hated the ones that would introduce you to things like plastic red cups of beer, fist fights, beating the shit out of a random kid from school just for a power trip to the head, bottles of gin and packs of cigarettes - endless teenage crimes, endless teenage desires.

But that was a little secret she rather did not confess to anyone.

So she went to the annual College parties her friends invited her to, and walked around aimlessly, holding a cup of beer in one hand, and faking a smile to the red-faced people drugged up on holiday spirit all around her.

And there was a lot that had happened around this time with her in the past. Things she rather did not remember, and the lights were so blaringly obnoxious and god, she felt so exhausted and old all of a sudden.

And she took one last look in the mirror, smoothing down her crimson-coloured dress in the front before leaving her apartment with a sigh.

The party this time around was at her best friend's brother apartment – she wasn't capable of labelling them, _Ikuto_, she meant. – Amu still didn't know what she was on when she decided to accept his invitation. But she said yes and she couldn't go back now, could she?

Well she could. It was a trademark thing for a Hinamori to do. But that was the old Amu, and she had promised herself she wouldn't go back to that (_being caught up in the past_). And anyways, going back to_ that _house (_she once called them family_) wasn't really part of the agenda either, so she had to keep everyone fooled with the idea that she was truly "cured" and emotionally healthy again.

Amu got there a little late, half an hour late being precise. So that meant she only had to stay for exactly three hours, out of common courtesy that was. But who was really counting, right?

"Sorry, I'm a little late. Hokkaido always gets so busy around this time of year." Those were the first words that came out of her mouth, as a season greeting to Ikuto when he opened the door for her. Her entrance was met with a lopsided smile that made her feel all giddy and bubbly and it was like her world was set on fire and she was for once _happy_.

* * *

"We've got a spark," he remarked amusedly, walking towards her casually, intentions clear as day in his dark teasing eyes. She leaned perfectly still on the wall, spine straight and rigid, face masked and apathetic.

She scoffed, attempting to hide her smile, "Whatever you say, Ikuto." She tried to push it down as nothing, but she knew better than anyone else, that it was something.

"Hey," He put a hand on her shoulder before she could completely move it back towards the sea of people, "Hm?" She tried to remain blasé about all this but each second made it a bit harder, with the way his eyes studied her fearlessly, knowing that something was _off_. (god, _you should only worry, when she wasn't_)

"You don't fool me, chun-chun." He murmured it so softly it was almost unspoken. He moved to kiss her cheek but she moved her head (on purpose) so his lips found hers instead and she mumbled back against his, "I know."

She loved it when he called her like that.

* * *

Today was just an all around bad day.

She was cranky from not being able to sleep well last night because of her parent's argument late into the night, pouring through the wall between their rooms. Making matters worse, Amu wouldn't talk to her and Rikki's acting weird again and she might have just bombed her physics test. Oh and come to think of it, the collar of this stupid dress won't stop feeling scratchy against the back of her neck—

Ami stopped in place, eyes round and shocked, lips slightly parted as she saw her crush interact rather intimately with her _sister_, her oh-so perfect sister.

Time seemed to stop for one sick second and she felt bile rising up her throat as memories from the dance months ago skidded across her mind in flashes - dark hallways, a slender hand, three figures in the darkness, pleas of apologies and menacing threats and, tension so unbearably thick—she couldn't take it. She ran into the girl's restroom in a frenzy way, hyperventilating almost, her sides ached slightly for some unknown reason. She clutched at them tightly and the groups of girls passing her to get to the exit gave her funny looks as the music blasted from outside and they leave.

She breathed in and out, slow and assured, as if to make sure she was in fact alive, her heart beating, blood coursing through her veins. She looked up into the mirror, her expression uncannily calm and studied her reflection, the paleness of her complexion, the dread and panic trapped in her eyes, the slight quivering of her bottom lip-

Before she could think, she made a run for the door and towards the kitchen, towards Utau.

The blonde forced a smile. "Should have told you sooner, right? It's not that easy to break a little girls' heart."

And then she cried into her shoulder.

* * *

She walks over gracefully, crawling into the bed, and he mumbled something about sleep. But she hardly took notice, too busying studying his features, before finally coming to a conclusion.

He was lovely, almost like an angel, and she wanted him. She wanted to feel protected. She wanted to feel a sense of shared corruption and tainted innocence. She wanted to believe in gray shades and clashing ideals with all her heart that as is if she did indeed have one. She wanted all that right here, right now with him.

She feathered his jaw line with butterfly kisses, and he reacted immediately. So she started to slide her hands stealthily under his shirt, and he grumbled about her being so cute that it hurt, while charging at her mouth. She responded instantly, his hands on her back as he held her up, touching her with those hands she wanted, she needed. Her fingers tightened in his hair, pulling his face against hers, scratching for contact. She moaned as he pushed her towards the bed, eventually throwing her on it.

Every inch of her was blazing. She had never felt this way with anyone else in her life. No one else kissed her the way he did, the way he was, holding her against the door with his strong arms and whenever he was there, she _knewknewknew _that he would make her feel _good_.

Her hands found the zipper of his jeans and she struggled to unfasten the clasps. She could feel his hardness through the denim, his eyes dark as he hauled her jacket and her crimson-coloured dress over her head in one swift movement, revealing her bare chest. He stared down at her breasts, clutching one tightly in his hand. Her eyes rolled back with pleasure and she slipped her fingers down his boxers, wrapping her hand around him as he touched her. She stifled his moan with her lips, her tongue, searching desperately. Her other hand was holding his face firmly against hers like she was afraid he might disappear at any moment.

She wouldn't let him. Never.

* * *

He sighed. "Jesus Amu. Are you serious? If you're smoking in here, you're going to let me take a puff."

She slung her arms from behind around his neck, feeling him taking a pull on her cigarette, blowing out another wisp of smoke herself and growing enamoured with the shape it made. All of a sudden, she found everything so funny and she couldn't stop laughing and her sides were hurting from how hilarious everything was.

How ridiculous were the authentic Egyptian cotton sheets and the fact that she probably smelled like smoke and he loved the smell of smoke, sometimes he kissed her so hungrily, like if he ever stopped she would leave him and never look back.

"_Amu, why are you laughing?"_

"_Amu, stop laughing, it's contagious."_

And than she was crying, full-blown out crying.

"_What's wrong with you?_

"_Are you okay, Amu? Amu!"_

She was so far away and no one could catch her and she looked at him through glassy eyes as he sat down next to her and patted her cheeks repeatedly, trying to sober her up, trying to get her back. His eyes were clouded and his face had lost its entire colour.

She was still laughing, crying and everything was morphing together, everything was coming together, and there was no happy or sad. There was nothing; there was everything; there was something.

"Do you know how much I need you?" She choked out and she wrapped her arms around his neck sloppily, breathing in his scent. He always smelled so lovely and_— clean_.

He stiffened in her embrace automatically. "Amu." His voice called out worried and she giggled into his skin — such soft skin — like those Egyptian cotton sheets. "Tell me already what happened, you always do."

"In reality, you don't want to know, do you?" She replied sadly, and the reality of all this hit her hard and all of a sudden she was bawling and she hated him because he _cared_ too much and she _needed_ him too much.

"Why do you want to know? Why do you care?" She was screaming and sobbing and he was trying to shake some sense into her but need was senseless and she needed him so much it hurt.

_Calm down, Amu. Just calm down._

"Tell me why!" She shrieked demandingly and she kissed his closed eyelids and started begging fervently against them for him to never leaving her (to love her till it hurts). He gripped her wrists firmly, locking them in place and pushing them down and away from his face.

"Come here, Amu." His voice came out strange, almost strained and painful and maybe even a little defeated.

She moved into his lap in a heartbeat. She didn't need to be asked twice after all, and he held her like a child, letting her lay back into his chest as he put his head against the bed frame. She sighed in contentment as he rubbed her shoulders soothingly to subdue her.

"I care about you so much that sometimes I don't think it's possible for me to ever care about anyone else like I do about you." His voice reminded her of knights in shining armours and guardian angels for the hundredth time and he was pushing all the monsters away and keeping her safe and sound.

She feebly fell into a fairy-tale slumber, her nose slightly turned towards his flannel striped shirt, so she could sleep with the smell of him all around her.

* * *

She woke up slowly. Her eyes were still closed, and she was not really sure where she was.

The sheets smelled familiar and different at the same time, almost like sweat and love and need.

She opened her eyes quickly at the (un)familiarity of her surroundings and the light sneaking in from the gap in between the curtain didn't do a good job of brightening up the dim room.

There was a mess of clothes scattered around the sides of the bed, and when she looked beside her, the events from a few hours ago came back all at once.

He was still sleeping, judging from the pattern of his breathing. She could recognize it from anywhere. The quiet way he breathed in and out so evenly when he was asleep. When they were together, it always helped her fall asleep.

He was breathtaking and her heart ached. When they were younger, she had always dreamed of waking up to the sight of him beside her. She dreamed of moments like this, and now that she had regained them, she was not exactly sure how to handle them.

He stirred a little, and when his eyes opened blurrily and he looked up at her, she felt her throat constrict, and she took a few shuddering breathes as he got up next to her.

And he was trying to run his hand through his hair, when she moved closer to him, letting her hands needle through the curls without thinking. And it was only when she already started, and he was gazing at her, his eyes clouded, that she realized what she' was doing and how it could be taken.

She stopped suddenly, looking away, and letting her knees come up to her chest so she could put her arms around them instead.

"I should leave."

He stopped her from getting out of the blankets and when she looked back at him, she could see the driving force in his resolute eyes.

"No."

He pulled her back in lightly, and when she turned back towards him, all she could see in his eyes was something so real, it was earth-shattering.

Ikuto kissed each knuckle on the back of her hand lightly, and she leaned in towards him, putting her head on his shoulder and he kissed the top of her head, intertwining their hands. They fitted so well together.

She kept her eyes fixed on their hands, even as she felt his lips touching the side of her face and tracing down to the side of her lips, and there was something so comforting about this.

Amu turned towards him, letting him close the gap between their lips in a heartbeat. And his tongue in her mouth was like taking away all her sorrows.

It was like going around in circles.

* * *

**A/N:** Some facts: Ami is seventeen and in high school, she plays a major role. The others are all in College. Amu is by far more complicated and multi-faceted and if this Chapter is strange and confusing to you, great, than you got it. Lana Del Rey will guide is through this story, personality-wise and her songs. I'm tired and there are hundreds of mistakes, _who cares._ There is some sexual content, don't like, don't read it. If it's to much, than I'm removing it. Next Chapter will probably play completely in the past time. "Chun-Chun" is a nickname from another manga, I just thought it was cute. This is a rewritten of "What Lies Beneath", because I originally wanted it to do like this.

Read **mzmroxx4's** story "**Glass Castles**", because it made me finish this Chapter, which I had huge writer blocks on, by the way. she gets way less reviews, that is not good, because she is like awesome.


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